If I've learned anything in my 29+ years, it's that you can't predict anything. The last few years have been a challenge. I have struggled with my limitations and years of physical pain. I see a specialist typically once a week. This helps my back move like it should which keeps my pain from escalating. I have had numerous procedures and tried a variety of prescriptions. I accepted this was my "new normal" about 2 years ago. I feel pain every single day. I have changed the way I do everything. I rarely bend to pick things up. Laundry is sorted and stacked up high. The kids pick things up from the floor, a lot. I don't ski, exercise, bike, or enjoy any of the family activities we used to love. My husband is great at jumping in and lightening my load. He will see me doing something and help if possible. I am grateful for that. I can't imagine a better partner.

     This past week has been one of the worst in a while. The Air Force sent us their "final" offer for our claim. It was $30,000. Our initial suit was for 1,000,000 and I still feel that is what they owe. No amount of money will every be compensation for what I've been through but I feel they should show they are responsible. I feel the Air Force should care about what happened to me. We got stuck with a bad attorney who wasn't interested in our case. The part that angers me most... we won't ever see $30,000. By the time our attorney takes his cut and filing fees are taken, we will receive around $10,000. It's hard to pin point a number that represents everything you went through and will continue going through. I have lost over $25,000 in income alone. I haven't forgotten 3.5 years of excruciating pain. I haven't forgotten how I couldn't hold my baby until she was too old to "want" being held. I haven't forgotten the way I used to play with my children. I haven't forgotten how this trial changed my life. Most of all, I haven't forgotten my passion - the thing I long for and miss. I miss dancing. I miss the creativity and freedom that was a huge part of my life.

     I feel like I've had to mourn the life I used to have. People can't tell there is anything wrong by looking at me. Other than weight gain, my appearance isn't too different. Under the surface is a different story. My spine curves much more than it used to. My left hip pops out of the joint several times a day and sits 1 1/2 inches lower than the right. The actual joint (SI) is failing. I have nerve damage, bulging discs, muscle spasms, I get swelling in my feet (they will often go numb), I have degenerative disc disease, my sacrum is locked and gives very limited mobility with the added bonus that I'm allergic to most pain medication. This is my "new normal". I have to get out of bed a specific way and I can't sit or stand for too long without my pain increasing.

     Some days I handle it better than others. I can't count the number of times I wanted to stay in bed and cry all day. Every time I hear about someone being awarded 2 million dollars because their Subway foot long wasn't 12" or 3.5 million dollars because their Mc Coffee was too hot and burned their tongue I get mad. After the anger tears usually follow. Then I have to remind myself of what my father used to always say, "Life isn't fair." It's not. This little reminder helps me. I have faith that things will be made right in the next life. I have faith that a loving Heavenly Father knows what I am going through and that his Son died for me. He died for my pain, anguish, and sins. He is there to comfort me and offer his peace. I know that the atonement is here for me. Our idea of a justice system is a joke. If you don't have a huge stash of cash to pay the right kind of attorney, you are on your own. We were told to take our case to a jury would require $60-70,000 up front. We contacted numerous attorneys and were given the same numbers. I don't have requirements like that with the Lord. I think my relationship with him is the only reason I make it day to day. I try not to have pity parties. I am grateful that my injuries are not more severe and I try to focus on what I can do, not can't. Most of all, I am grateful for you. I have family and friends that support me, love me, and lend a listening ear when I need it most. Thank you for being there.